We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
