is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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