Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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