I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
