I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Randomize
