You made me cry and you don't even care
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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