you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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