I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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