I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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