Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
