I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
