Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
