she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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