how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
