Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
