Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
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He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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