God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
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It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
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Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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