I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
