Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
