Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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