He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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