not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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