the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
should my penis look like a turkey
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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