I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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