Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
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She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
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Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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