So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
