Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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