Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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