No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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