Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
