The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
