If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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