i was rollin on her like bob the builder
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Randomize
