My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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