when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
