One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
