It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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