I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Who died my cat blue again?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
