Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
