U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
