he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
