my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
