highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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