Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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