Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
