My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
