I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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