Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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