Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
