this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
