Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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