I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
