Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
