The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
