My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
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Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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