He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
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It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
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She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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